10 Weirdest Sex-Related Injuries
When bow-chicka-wow-wow becomes bow-chicka-OW-OW.
If you thought "bad sex" meant rubbish foreplay followed by post-coital snoring, then think again. Here's what happens when sex goes really, REALLY wrong…
A real buzz
Usually, the only peril you face by playing on a Wii Fit board is looking a massive prat. But tell that to the lady from Manchester who fell off the board, twisted a nerve, and wound up with "persistent genital arousal disorder". What that basically means is the smallest vibration – say from a humming microwave or mobile phone – is enough to get her uncontrollably randy. Her take? "Hopefully one day I'll find a superstud who can satisfy me." First world problems, eh.
The lighter side of sex
Ever looked at a neon light bulb and thought "I wonder if that would feel nice inside my anus?" No? Well, there's one chap in Croatia who knows, and the answer is "It would not". Hopefully the first few seconds gave him all the pleasure he'd hoped it would, because seconds later the bulb shattered inside him, and only the valiant work of ER doctors saved his life.
Staying with the anus theme (there's a sentence we bet you didn't expect to read today), we must now consider the story of the gay couple who decided to pour concrete inside one partner's rectum with a funnel. Because, you know, concrete is sexy. Rather less sexy was the aftermath in the hospital, when doctors removed a "perfect concrete cast of the rectum". Body art has a whole new meaning.
A bit al dente
Warning: if you're a man, prepare to feel every cell in your body wince as we recount the true case of the Italian fellow who inserted a single uncooked strand of pasta into his pee-hole while he pleasured himself. What resulted was… well, in the words of the medical article written about the case, a "masturbation injury resulting from intra-uretheral introduction of spaghetti". Definitely not like mama used to make.
A sawcy idea
Some stories are facepalm-funny and utterly horrific at the same time. Like the one about the US couple who decided to make their sex-play more interesting by attaching a vibrator to an electric saw. Loving hubby then proceeded to apply the souped-up sex toy to his swooning wife's pleasure-area… and drilled right into her. Fortunately, the injuries weren't life threatening, despite presumably making their bedroom look like a scene from one of the Saw films.
When applying lube, always check the label. We can all agree that's one of the golden rules of all lube-based bedroom shenanigans. But one couple were so lost in the heat of the moment they just slathered the stuff on without looking. Trouble was, they were doing it in the guy's grandmother's house, and what they'd applied to his love-organ was her nitroglycerin blood pressure cream. They promptly collapsed in an unconscious naked heap, which was bad. They were later discovered that way by Nan, which was worse.
Benylin won't sort that out
A doctor in India had a case to tell the grandkids about when one of his patients turned up complaining of having a persistent cough and runny nose for over six months. An x-ray was ordered, and then they had to break the terrible, awful news to her. No, she didn't have cancer. She had a condom stuck inside her lungs. Turns out she'd sucked it down there while performing mouth-love, and didn't even realise it. Quite.
Top tip to anyone thinking of putting a vibrator up their bum. If it goes in a bit too far and gets stuck there, go to the hospital. Seriously, they've seen it all, and will only laugh behind your back after you're safely out of earshot. What you shouldn't do is what one chap did and try to prise the sex toy out using a long pair of salad tongs. Which promptly got fully stuck inside his nether-parts as well.
An older gentleman in the US was understandably terrified when he collapsed with a stabbing headache shortly after sleeping with his girlfriend. Doctors checked and it wasn't a stroke, and it was only when his girlfriend visited him in hospital and triggered another attack by manually pleasuring him under the sheets that the truth became clear: orgasms gave him brain-pain. To which we can only respond: that sounds mental.
They say love hurts. Well, self-love can hurt much more, as a machinist discovered when he decided to pleasure himself by grinding his groin on an engine's moving belt. He later staggered into hospital with his nether-regions a right mess – not just because the belt had ripped his flesh away, but also because he'd tried to "fix" his torn testicles with a staple gun. Somehow "ouch" doesn't quite cover it.