10 Worst Songs To Have Sex To
Why having your MP3 player on shuffle while you're having sex is never a good idea…
"If music be the food of love, play on". Shakespeare wrote that, but then Shakespeare never had to listen to this lot. Read on, and prepare to never feel randy again.
The Birdie Song – The Tweets
Apocalyptically un-sexy, just a few seconds of The Birdie Song would render Russell Brand impotent and turn Hugh Hefner into a blushing and apologetic monk. So goodness knows what it would do to any mortals with a normal-sized sex drive. On the plus side, it's an excellent track for the next time you play Musical Chairs.
Gangnam Style – Psy
There are exactly two un-erotic things about this unlikely pop sensation. The sound of Psy screaming "Heyyyyyyyy sexy lady" is one of them. Everything else about the song is the other. Plus, the fact that this ditty will definitely make you and your partner helplessly act out the Gangnam Style dance moves mid-bonk may well cause serious damage to all participating genitalia.
Lady in Red – Chris de Burgh
Ah yes: the sound of 80s romance, distilled into a ballad so syrupy-sweet your ears may well develop cavities. Indeed, hearing de Burgh purr out his yearning ode to "this beauty by my side" is likely to make you think of love, sex and human contact as intolerably naff, and devote yourself to a life of wickedness and wrong-doing instead. Thanks a lot, Chris.
U Can't Touch This – MC Hammer
Having someone repeatedly tell you that you "can't touch this" is a real buzz-kill, sex-wise. And then, just as you get over that and the foreplay's finally underway, you're suddenly told to "stop" because of something known as "hammer time". We don't know what "hammer time" is, but it definitely isn't sexy.
Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) – The Cheeky Girls
This is an example of a song that's SO much about sex that it winds up being completely un-erotic. The weird monotone vocals don't help – they don't sound like "cheeky girls", they sound like terrifying sex-droids from the future. At least they slip in the occasional bit of philosophy too. Wondering what the meaning of existence is? "Touch my bum, this is life". That settles that then.
YMCA – Village People
YMCA is a genuinely great song – if you happen to be in a rubbish 70s-themed nightclub with several litres of WKD churning through your system while trying to remember how to do the "M" bit with your arms. Sadly, YMCA is rather less great if you're trying to focus on not laughing at your partner's sex face.
Friday – Rebecca Black
The song that became an Internet sensation, Friday will vanquish any romantic mood with its janglingly cheery tune and hideously catchy chorus, which will have you hearing the words "It's Friday.. Friday… Friday… Friday…" in your heard for hours after. Also, it features lyrics about eating breakfast cereal and finding a good seat on a bus. No, really: it does.
The Millennium Prayer – Cliff Richard
Do you really need us to explain why a song in which Cliff Richard bellows out the words of the Lord's Prayer to the tune of Auld Lang Syne isn't all that arousing? No: no you do not.
Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men
It's hard to figure out what the LEAST sexy part of this classic track is. Could it be the bit where the singers pretend to be barking dogs? Or perhaps it's the bit where they keep yelling "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?" – a presumably rhetorical question that remains unanswered to this day.
Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O'Connor
This COULD be a sexy tune, but only if war has broken out and your partner has been called away to fight on the front line, and you're about to have sex for what will definitely be the last time ever, and you're both overflowing with pain and passion and longing and regret. In any other context, this song will kill the mood faster than the sudden appearance of a naked Noel Edmonds.